the day I got into a fight with a transvestite on the bus

First off, many apologies for being MIA recently. It seems it's hard for me to do much of anything lately, including blog. I'm hoping these types of absences will be rare here at Philthy Laundry...so hang in there. Now on with the show...

A couple weeks ago I had quite possibly one of the worst days in Chicago I've had since this dreadful event. It had been a stressful week. I had flown back from Ohio on Monday, and things were pretty rough at work since everyone was recovering from a long Labor Day weekend. When Friday finally approached I was excited to just get the week over with. When the end of the day arrived, and I raced out the door, anxious to get home and relax. Much to my dismay, however, relaxing was the last thing that i was in line for.

First of all, I waited for quite a while for my bus to arrive, which on a Friday afternoon is not atypical. I was getting a bit agitated, however, because the skies were growing darker, and it seemed as though a thunderstorm was imminent. The bus finally arrived and I boarded excited to get a single seat near the window (which is one of the most coveted seats in all of public transportation.) The bus pulled away from the stop, and about 3 blocks later, stops suddenly. Apparently, the power steering went out, and the vehicle is refusing to move, so we all have to get off and wait for the next one. At almost the exact moment as my foot hit the cement of Michigan Ave, the skies open up and it starts pouring. Tourists and locals alike are scrambling for a place to take cover along the crowded streets. I decide to cut my losses, and run to the nearest bus stop to catch a new bus. Unfortunately there's a stretch of Michigan Ave where my bus doesn't stop for about 3 blocks, and I was in the middle of that stretch. Eventually I make it to the awning of a department store adjacent to a bus stop, and wait for a new bus to take me home. When one comes, I board again, pay again, and this time stand next to some lady who is practicing for the "elbow me in the ribs" event at the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing. If that ride was any indication, I think the gold medal is hers.

I eventually reach the first of my two bus stops, and make my way to catch bus #2 of my commute. Much to my delight, it arrives relatively promptly, and again, I get a seat. By this time the rain has subsided, but my misshapen clothes are hanging off my body and still patchy with dampness. More or less I look like someone on their first week of homelessness (overall still keeping it together, but beginning to unravel at the seams)

A few stops into this trip is when this story gets Legen...(wait for it)...dary!

An elderly Hispanic woman gets on the bus and sits in the seat closest to the driver. She sits and is fumbling through her purse looking for her fare card. Following closely behind her are two African American women. Wait, let me rephrase that. ONE African American woman and one African American man dressed as a woman (hereby referred to as tranny.) They sit in the seats next to the Hispanic woman, who when she finally finds her fare card, stands up to pay for her bus ride. Apparently when she got up, her elbow accidentally hit Tranny's arm, which caused a bag of clipboards Tranny was carrying to fall onto the floor. This upset Tranny and his/her friend a lot, and they start screaming at the top of their lungs at this poor woman, who I can only assume doesn't speak English very well based on her frightened and confused reaction to the situation. The two "ladies" are calling this women B**** this and B**** that and threatening to follow her down the street when she gets off, etc. I am sitting there, absolutely stunned that this is going on. Then the actual woman gets a hairbrush out of her purse and runs up to the woman, holding it over her head like she's going to beat her with it. Thankfully, the bus driver stops the bus and attempts to calm everyone down. The two "ladies" sit back down and promise to behave, which is a promise they keep for about 5 seconds. They keep yelling at this woman, calling her names, etc. Finally the tranny says something like "You should learn to respect people that are young enough to be your granddaughter."

It's at this point that the stress of my week, and my day have pushed me over the edge, and I interject by saying, "Maybe you should respect someone that's old enough to be your grandmother. It was an accident, let it go, and shut the hell up!" I look up and the bus driver is looking in his rear view mirror shaking his head in disbelief like "Oh no you didn't."

The Tranny responds by babbling on and on about how "You should mind your own business" and "You don't know me, you don't know where I come, you have no right to talk to me like that" etc.

Again, I respond with "You made it my business when you threatened this woman for an accident and raving on about it like a lunatic for the last 5 minutes!"

Tranny's not happy. And by now, the adrenaline of the situation is starting to wear off and I remember that even though this person is wearing lipstick, high heels, and a skirt, doesn't mean it still isn't a rather large man who could probably kick my butt, and whom I've just intensely provoked. I'm starting to get a bit nervous just when Tranny gets up and approaches me. Tranny gets in my face and says, very calmly, "Look B****, I don't want to have to cut nobody today!" and cocks his/her head back and forth looking at me with big bugged eyes. Thankfully the bus driver pulls over and gets up again to intervene, and I didn't have to witness where and with what object Tranny was planning on "cutting" me.

A little frazzled, I got off the bus with a large group of people at the next stop, and decided to walk the rest of the way home. Luckily, I wasn't followed.

As I walked home, I couldn't believe my luck. At first I was just wishing I would have stayed in bed that day and called in sick...but if I would have done that, I would never have been able to tell the story of "the day I got into a fight with a transvestite on the bus."

Sorry it's been a while...

It's been a crazy week, folks. But I promise, when i get the time to right this next post down, it'll be worth the wait.


In the meantime...chew on this Deep Thought, from Jack Handy:

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.– Jack Handey

Tune in > Mark Ronson

It's rare that I recommend a DJ / Producer, but there's a first time for everything. Mark Ronson has been making a splash in the last year by producing break-through albums for two budding Brits, Amy Winehouse & Lily Allen. Now he's released his own little vanity project "Version," a collection of British cover songs performed by modern British Artists. Ronson mixes his own kitchy hip-hop/soul/funk sounds with the vocal stylings of both Winehouse & Allen, but also Phantom Planet, Kasabian, Robbie Williams, and more. Check it out, it's worth the $10.

Dear Andy Roddick,

Hey Andy, it's me, Philthy. How's it going?

Listen,I know you're probably really tired from that match against Roger last night. I just wanted to let you know that I think you played really great. You left it all out on the court for the first two and a half sets, and I respect that.

Granted, there have been many times during your career that I've rooted for you, and you've let me down. I think during Wimbledon this year when you lost to Gasquet, I said, "That's it, I'm never cheering for Andy Roddick again! You Suck!" or something like that. But I couldn't do it, Andy. I couldn't not cheer for you in the US Open. Even though I knew that you'd eventually have to play Federer, and he'd most likely kick your butt again, you can't not cheer for the Americans in the US Open. What am I? A Commie?

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you didn't disappoint me too badly. Sure you lost in straight sets, but you played your best, and that's all that matters (isn't' that what our Mom's used to tell us? Just do your best.) Keep playing hard and I know one day you'll beat Roger (hopefully.) And for now, I'll keep cheering you on in hopes that you'll be that revitalizing spark that US Men's Tennis desperately needs. But if you lose to one more no name in the early rounds of some tournament, I swear to everything holy, I'll punch you right it the babymakers.

Tootles,
Philthy

Talk About Killer Dance Moves

In the Philippines, the most violent offenders are sent to Cebu Detention and Rehabilitation Center to do their time. How do these savage criminals spend their day? Choreographed dance, of course.

On another note, I heard Nick Cannon will be starring in a movie adaptation of this story: "You Got Served: San Quentin"

The 3 most dreadful words in the English Language

If you have been a faithful reader to the blogs of Philthy Laundry, Inc. you know that I have a love/hate relationship with the state of Ohio. Scratch that, I just have a hate relationship with Ohio. In fact the only thing I love about Ohio is that I love to hate it. Hate. Hate. Hate.

So you could imagine the size of the chill that went through my body on Thursday evening as my flight attendant announced those 3 dreadful words "Welcome to Cleveland."

I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Why Philthy, if you hate Ohio so much, would you choose to spend 4 consecutive days there over Labor Day?" Good question. The thing is that I do have one friend who lives outside Cleveland that I enjoy seeing. When Labor Day started to roll around, I started to attempt to make plans. It seemed that everyone I knew in Chicago was going to be out of town. Everyone I knew outside of Chicago didn't want to come visit. I also tried to get several people to take a long weekend getaway to somewhere fun that was within a couple hour flight, Nashville, Austin, Minneapolis. No takers. It was at that point that I thought 'Why not take a little trip to Cleveland to see my friend. I mean, how bad can it be?' And while I wouldn't classify the weekend as "good," truthfully, it wasn't that bad. Granted I had extremely low expectations and the only objective for the weekend was to relax and get away for a few days. So sleeping in until 11, spending a little time outside, having a few beers, and generally being lazy was just what the doctor ordered, and Ohio sort of delivered.

However, since it came up, I think it's time that I tell you exactly where this disdain for Ohio comes from:

1) Ohio is one giant suburb. With several major small cities like Cleveland, Cincinnati, Columbus, Dayton, Toledo, & Akron in such a small state, you're pretty much constantly in some sort of suburb. While the suburbs do have their good qualities (such as nice houses, good school districts, the ability to raise young kiddies in a relatively safe environment, etc) they also have huge downsides (strip malls all over the place, lack of diversity, breeding ground for wealthy teenage douchebags who think they're entitled to the world because Mommy & Daddy told the nanny to tell them they were special when they were growing up)

2) Miami University. This is where the elitist of the yuppie d-bags from the suburbs end up to continue their so-called entitlement in the form of an over-hyped and expensive college education. Subsequently, this is also where they further develop their cocaine habits. I've met only 2 people that graduated from Miami University that I haven't wanted to punch in the face.

3) THE Ohio State University. Yes they have a great tradition of good sports teams. Yes the current students and graduates of OSU have a lot of be proud of and should cheer on their teams with vigor. However, I think Ohio State has some of the worst, most over dramatic, pompous, and overall ridiculous sports fans I have ever witnessed. And why do they feel the need to stress the word "THE" so much? I also want to punch them in the face.

4) While the major market cities Cleveland & Cincinnati do have a couple of up-sides (The Rock & Roll Hall of fame being one,) they are, in general, complete and total crap holes.

5) Finally, and I couldn't make this up if I tried, when I was conversing with some local Ohioans, the subject of movies came up. And literally this was the first thing I heard in response: "Have you seen that 'Wild Hogs?' I loved it!" As if that wasn't enough, the second thing I heard was "Yeah we rented that 'Norbit' the other night. It wasn't as good as I expected." Really another Eddie Murphy film where he dresses up as a fat woman didn't deliver? Sounded like a classic to me.

Perhaps I'm being a little harsh and judgemental. I completely acknowledge that living in a top-notch city like Chicago has spoiled me a bit, and when compared with Chicago, few places can measure up. But if I never set foot in Ohio again, I won't be complaining.

September Mastheads