The 3 most dreadful words in the English Language

If you have been a faithful reader to the blogs of Philthy Laundry, Inc. you know that I have a love/hate relationship with the state of Ohio. Scratch that, I just have a hate relationship with Ohio. In fact the only thing I love about Ohio is that I love to hate it. Hate. Hate. Hate.

So you could imagine the size of the chill that went through my body on Thursday evening as my flight attendant announced those 3 dreadful words "Welcome to Cleveland."

I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Why Philthy, if you hate Ohio so much, would you choose to spend 4 consecutive days there over Labor Day?" Good question. The thing is that I do have one friend who lives outside Cleveland that I enjoy seeing. When Labor Day started to roll around, I started to attempt to make plans. It seemed that everyone I knew in Chicago was going to be out of town. Everyone I knew outside of Chicago didn't want to come visit. I also tried to get several people to take a long weekend getaway to somewhere fun that was within a couple hour flight, Nashville, Austin, Minneapolis. No takers. It was at that point that I thought 'Why not take a little trip to Cleveland to see my friend. I mean, how bad can it be?' And while I wouldn't classify the weekend as "good," truthfully, it wasn't that bad. Granted I had extremely low expectations and the only objective for the weekend was to relax and get away for a few days. So sleeping in until 11, spending a little time outside, having a few beers, and generally being lazy was just what the doctor ordered, and Ohio sort of delivered.

However, since it came up, I think it's time that I tell you exactly where this disdain for Ohio comes from:

1) Ohio is one giant suburb. With several major small cities like Cleveland, Cincinnati, Columbus, Dayton, Toledo, & Akron in such a small state, you're pretty much constantly in some sort of suburb. While the suburbs do have their good qualities (such as nice houses, good school districts, the ability to raise young kiddies in a relatively safe environment, etc) they also have huge downsides (strip malls all over the place, lack of diversity, breeding ground for wealthy teenage douchebags who think they're entitled to the world because Mommy & Daddy told the nanny to tell them they were special when they were growing up)

2) Miami University. This is where the elitist of the yuppie d-bags from the suburbs end up to continue their so-called entitlement in the form of an over-hyped and expensive college education. Subsequently, this is also where they further develop their cocaine habits. I've met only 2 people that graduated from Miami University that I haven't wanted to punch in the face.

3) THE Ohio State University. Yes they have a great tradition of good sports teams. Yes the current students and graduates of OSU have a lot of be proud of and should cheer on their teams with vigor. However, I think Ohio State has some of the worst, most over dramatic, pompous, and overall ridiculous sports fans I have ever witnessed. And why do they feel the need to stress the word "THE" so much? I also want to punch them in the face.

4) While the major market cities Cleveland & Cincinnati do have a couple of up-sides (The Rock & Roll Hall of fame being one,) they are, in general, complete and total crap holes.

5) Finally, and I couldn't make this up if I tried, when I was conversing with some local Ohioans, the subject of movies came up. And literally this was the first thing I heard in response: "Have you seen that 'Wild Hogs?' I loved it!" As if that wasn't enough, the second thing I heard was "Yeah we rented that 'Norbit' the other night. It wasn't as good as I expected." Really another Eddie Murphy film where he dresses up as a fat woman didn't deliver? Sounded like a classic to me.

Perhaps I'm being a little harsh and judgemental. I completely acknowledge that living in a top-notch city like Chicago has spoiled me a bit, and when compared with Chicago, few places can measure up. But if I never set foot in Ohio again, I won't be complaining.