It's Monsoon Season in Chicago!

I'm proud to let you know that today is a big day in my life. It was announced today that the current floor emergency leader in my office had resigned, and that they needed someone to take his place. Our administrative assistant thought that I would be perfect for the job (most likely because of my unparalleled leadership skills, and my ability to stay cool under pressure) and offered it to me. Before I accepted I had a few questions:

1) How much power will I have? (none)
2) Will I get a pay increase for putting my life on the line? (no)
3) Can I get a whistle? (maybe)

I graciously accepted. For my first order of business, I immediately changed the name of the title from "Floor Emergency Leader" to "Safety Czar." The next step is to order that whistle.

I'm sure you can imagine my excitement this afternoon when the news broke that the entire Chicagoland area was under a severe thunderstorm advisory, and tornado warning. A huge line of intense storms was heading right for us. We all crowded around the windows and gazed at the dark clouds to the West. Just then, Mother Nature unleashed her fury. A wall of rainfall began blowing against the glass and steel buildings of the Chicago Loop. People scurried about, looking for shelter. Debris was flying high into the air as the strong wind continued to change direction.

Then over the loud speaker we heard:

"Attention all employees! We are currently experiencing severe weather; please move away from the windows and into the central point of your floor. This is not a drill. Please move away from your desks immediately. I repeat, this is not a drill."

I knew it was my time to act. As Safety Czar of the 13th floor....I needed to care for my team. Armed only with a bright orange hat, corresponding nylon vest, and my determination for survival, I successfully led the majority of my colleagues into the safety of Conference Room A.
The storm passed nearly as quickly as it came, and it was safe to return to our desks.

On my way home, I got to see that this was a pretty intense storm. Trees were down all over Lincoln Park, even some uprooted and thrown onto parked cars. There was broken glass, overturned garbage cans, and debris all over the streets. In my neighborhood, there are trees blocking a lot of the side roads as well as fallen power lines. Here are some pictures I took just on my street.

Impulse

A couple years ago i read book, a comedic memoir really, in which the narrator described this odd impulse he had to touch other people on the head. It wasn't constant, but every once and a while an urge would come along and he would have to touch someone on the head. Often it was at very inappropriate times, like on an airplane or while at a sporting event. Eventually the author had to come up with very creative ways to satisfy his odd desire.

I always thought that this was a little odd until I started thinking about the weird impulses that I have, and how lucky I am that usually I can suppress them. For instance, no matter where I am, when i see a police officer in full uniform...I want to grab their gun out of their holster. I don't want to shoot it, I just want to grab it. Or sometimes, I'll see someone walking down the street, and I'll just want to punch them in the face, because they look like they deserve it. I very rarely do this.

Open your hearts, internets. Do you have any random impulses?

Definitely worth walking an extra 6 blocks to get home

On my way home from work on Tuesday, two high school aged boys sat in the seat behind me on the bus. Typically on the bus I'm concentrating on touching as few of the surfaces as possible with my bare skin, and keeping the weird man standing next to me from inadvertently touching me. Today, however, the only thing i could concentrate on was their conversation. These bright, young, future hermits were speaking emphatically about Greek Mythology. I listened to them dork out and go on and on about Poseidon this, and Zeus that. As I watched my bus stop come and go through the smeared dirty window, I was paralyzed with awe and amazement that these two people had just entered my life. And boy am I glad that missed my stop to stick around. Otherwise, I would have never heard this:
"So yeah, like Oedipus was all like 'Hey Dad, Mom's rollin' with me now. See ya' "

Amazing.

Dear America,

Let me be the first one to say that I love this country. But America, there are certain times when I question your decisions. For instance, this weekend, the number one movie at the box office was "Rush Hour 3." You forked over nearly $50 million in 3 days. At an average of $9 per ticket, that's over 4 million of you that saw this movie. Tell me, what were you thinking?

Now, America, I'm a rational man, I could forgive you if this was just a single incident. But it wasn't, was it? Let me refresh your memory.

March 5, 2007 I wake up on a Monday morning, ready to face the day. It was a beautiful spring day here in Chicago, and I could feel the vivacity in the air. I was on my way to work, perusing the paper, when I turned to the Entertainment section. Then I saw what you did. You spent $39 million that weekend to see the brilliant film "Wild Hogs." John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, and William H Macy on a motorcycle trip across the country...in leather. Seriously...this was appealing? So appealing in fact, you decided to spend a total of $167 million supporting it. You make me sick.

As if that wasn't enough I remember last summer, I was in line to see the "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel, and as I approached the marquee...I noticed that "Little Man" was sold out on 2 SCREENs! I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I turned to a couple people standing in line near me and asked them "Am I seeing things, or is 'Little Man' actually sold out?" To which they replied "Yeah man, I know. We have to see something else too." If it were legal I would have sterilized those two people right then and there, so they wouldn't continue to populate the world with bad decision making skills.

Here are a couple clues to let you know this movie was going to be horrible:
1st, Marlon Wayans (as a man playing a baby.)
2nd, Shawn Wayans (you remember "white chicks", don't you?)
3rd, if you recall from childhood, this movie's plot was actually portrayed wonderfully by Bugs Bunny in a Loony Toons piece. Of course Bugs Bunny (who is an animated character designed for the amusement of children, let me remind you) managed to tell the story in 8 minutes, not 109 minutes. 109 minutes of gut wrenching torture.

Even though IMDB has named this movie the 5th worst film of all time, you spent nearly $60 million to see it.

Now, America, I know that change is possible, but I also acknowledge that it won't happen over night. I'm sure you'll stumble a few more times, but I'm urging you to please stop seeing these movies. You're just giving the people in Hollywood an excuse to keep making them.

Sincerely,
Philthy

go green or go home (or just go home)

i'm all for people wanting to do their part to help the environment, but is it just me, or is everyone that owns a prius driving like an a-hole? everytime i see one on the road it's always the same scene: 60mph in the left lane of the highway, chatting away on a bluetooth headset, drinking vitamin water, eating kashi, ruining my life.

from the ashes

oh, internets...how I've missed you.

it's been over 8 months since I've written anything other than a grocery list, and boy am i happy to be back.

why was i gone for so long? good question, i don't really know. i do know that late last year, i just felt drained. my creative juices had stopped flowing; maybe i lost my muse. the thing with writing, like anything else, is that if you don't stay active, then you lose the ability to do it. this has been a great outlet for me in the past...i'm hoping it'll only get better in the future.

but why now? after all this time, why start another blog? over the past few months several people have come up to me and encouraged me to start writing again. just this week a friend of mine suggested i use my power (read employment) with the Tribune Company to get a weekly column in one of their papers. i assured her that 1) i have no power within the Chicago Tribune, and 2) they don't just give columns to average phil's off the street with no experience, or journalism background. but i promised her i would consider blogging again, which seemed to satisfy for the moment.

on my way to work this morning i was really thinking about writing again. is it something i really want to commit to? what if it's been too long? i'll never get an audience back. i thought "if i do this, i'll need some sort of sign...something from above." just then it hit me....

a bird had just crapped on my arm.

i figured considering my luck, that's as good a sign as i'm going to get. so here i am, internets, poop-stained arms stretched wide, ready for your warm, familiar embrace. don't let me down.

August Mastheads