the day I got into a fight with a transvestite on the bus

First off, many apologies for being MIA recently. It seems it's hard for me to do much of anything lately, including blog. I'm hoping these types of absences will be rare here at Philthy Laundry...so hang in there. Now on with the show...

A couple weeks ago I had quite possibly one of the worst days in Chicago I've had since this dreadful event. It had been a stressful week. I had flown back from Ohio on Monday, and things were pretty rough at work since everyone was recovering from a long Labor Day weekend. When Friday finally approached I was excited to just get the week over with. When the end of the day arrived, and I raced out the door, anxious to get home and relax. Much to my dismay, however, relaxing was the last thing that i was in line for.

First of all, I waited for quite a while for my bus to arrive, which on a Friday afternoon is not atypical. I was getting a bit agitated, however, because the skies were growing darker, and it seemed as though a thunderstorm was imminent. The bus finally arrived and I boarded excited to get a single seat near the window (which is one of the most coveted seats in all of public transportation.) The bus pulled away from the stop, and about 3 blocks later, stops suddenly. Apparently, the power steering went out, and the vehicle is refusing to move, so we all have to get off and wait for the next one. At almost the exact moment as my foot hit the cement of Michigan Ave, the skies open up and it starts pouring. Tourists and locals alike are scrambling for a place to take cover along the crowded streets. I decide to cut my losses, and run to the nearest bus stop to catch a new bus. Unfortunately there's a stretch of Michigan Ave where my bus doesn't stop for about 3 blocks, and I was in the middle of that stretch. Eventually I make it to the awning of a department store adjacent to a bus stop, and wait for a new bus to take me home. When one comes, I board again, pay again, and this time stand next to some lady who is practicing for the "elbow me in the ribs" event at the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing. If that ride was any indication, I think the gold medal is hers.

I eventually reach the first of my two bus stops, and make my way to catch bus #2 of my commute. Much to my delight, it arrives relatively promptly, and again, I get a seat. By this time the rain has subsided, but my misshapen clothes are hanging off my body and still patchy with dampness. More or less I look like someone on their first week of homelessness (overall still keeping it together, but beginning to unravel at the seams)

A few stops into this trip is when this story gets Legen...(wait for it)...dary!

An elderly Hispanic woman gets on the bus and sits in the seat closest to the driver. She sits and is fumbling through her purse looking for her fare card. Following closely behind her are two African American women. Wait, let me rephrase that. ONE African American woman and one African American man dressed as a woman (hereby referred to as tranny.) They sit in the seats next to the Hispanic woman, who when she finally finds her fare card, stands up to pay for her bus ride. Apparently when she got up, her elbow accidentally hit Tranny's arm, which caused a bag of clipboards Tranny was carrying to fall onto the floor. This upset Tranny and his/her friend a lot, and they start screaming at the top of their lungs at this poor woman, who I can only assume doesn't speak English very well based on her frightened and confused reaction to the situation. The two "ladies" are calling this women B**** this and B**** that and threatening to follow her down the street when she gets off, etc. I am sitting there, absolutely stunned that this is going on. Then the actual woman gets a hairbrush out of her purse and runs up to the woman, holding it over her head like she's going to beat her with it. Thankfully, the bus driver stops the bus and attempts to calm everyone down. The two "ladies" sit back down and promise to behave, which is a promise they keep for about 5 seconds. They keep yelling at this woman, calling her names, etc. Finally the tranny says something like "You should learn to respect people that are young enough to be your granddaughter."

It's at this point that the stress of my week, and my day have pushed me over the edge, and I interject by saying, "Maybe you should respect someone that's old enough to be your grandmother. It was an accident, let it go, and shut the hell up!" I look up and the bus driver is looking in his rear view mirror shaking his head in disbelief like "Oh no you didn't."

The Tranny responds by babbling on and on about how "You should mind your own business" and "You don't know me, you don't know where I come, you have no right to talk to me like that" etc.

Again, I respond with "You made it my business when you threatened this woman for an accident and raving on about it like a lunatic for the last 5 minutes!"

Tranny's not happy. And by now, the adrenaline of the situation is starting to wear off and I remember that even though this person is wearing lipstick, high heels, and a skirt, doesn't mean it still isn't a rather large man who could probably kick my butt, and whom I've just intensely provoked. I'm starting to get a bit nervous just when Tranny gets up and approaches me. Tranny gets in my face and says, very calmly, "Look B****, I don't want to have to cut nobody today!" and cocks his/her head back and forth looking at me with big bugged eyes. Thankfully the bus driver pulls over and gets up again to intervene, and I didn't have to witness where and with what object Tranny was planning on "cutting" me.

A little frazzled, I got off the bus with a large group of people at the next stop, and decided to walk the rest of the way home. Luckily, I wasn't followed.

As I walked home, I couldn't believe my luck. At first I was just wishing I would have stayed in bed that day and called in sick...but if I would have done that, I would never have been able to tell the story of "the day I got into a fight with a transvestite on the bus."